Leadership Lessons from My Mother's Death

My mother died earlier this month. It wasn't something we were expecting. She had been successfully fighting breast cancer. Complications from treatment led to a series of cascading medical issues over several weeks until her heart was no longer able to take it. 

I woke up early the day after her death and my mind was racing, so I grabbed a pen and paper to slow down my thoughts. Some of what I wrote ended up being about observations and feelings that I could connect to leadership. Maybe that sounds messed up. It's how I'm wired and my Mom is a large part of my life scripts (says my therapist), so I'd say this honors her. Like the eulogy I wrote, I find putting thoughts to words as healing. 

Death and leadership aren't supposed to be directly connected, though I know some of you have worked for companies where it felt that way. These lessons below are generalizations that serve as reminders of good leadership practices that I'd hope we're all following. There's always room to grow, right? 

Communication is Everything

Towards the end of my mother’s life, as her health deteriorated, various body systems and organs became compromised. There was always a large team of specialists who had to consult with one another in order for any treatment to be approved. Oncologist, Hematologist, Endocrinologist, Pulmonologist, Nephrologist, Cardiologist. The attending Internist (a generalist) rarely was in control. Nurses, who were the closest to managing the patient, were overworked and frequently changed. Every couple of days, we'd be waiting for guidance from someone different. Communication was fragmented. As conditions were constantly changing, it was difficult to know who knew what, what was being done, or get a prognosis so we could advocate and make decisions. I think she got great medical care, but, honestly, I really don't know. Was the sum of the parts greater than the whole?

How well does your team work together? Do you have established processes and protocols for communications? Are those processes well communicated? What happens when things go wrong? We often see a breakdown of communication, complicated by an increasing number of communication channels, e.g., Slack, texts, instant messengers, and the traditional phone and email.

Look to environments which are well structured and prepared to manage crisis. I spent time in my early career responsible for data centers where SLAs (service level agreements) had to be met. Protocols were well documented and trained. A key role was the crisis manager, someone who owned all communications. I also ran a few customer service departments (call centers). We had FCR - and First Contact Resolution. Whoever answered the call was responsible for resolving an issue regardless of any escalation required or need to bring in others. 

Even in a business' natural state, we too often see communication as a weakness and key contributor to missing goals, or, worse, low morale and employee retention. A monthly or quarterly all-hands meeting may not be sufficient to keep communications aligned. Consider regular departmental and 1:1 meetings and perhaps a company newsletter or intranet (maybe Confluence). It’s even as simple as a checklist, perhaps via Process Street, or The Checklist Manifesto (not coincidentally written by a surgeon). The management team must spend time together regularly to ensure alignment and consistency in messaging. Finally, keep in mind that not every leader is the best at getting their ideas out. Look within your organization to find those who naturally fill the role of communicator and leverage their strengths to partner with the leader or manager to ensure the messages are getting out and being heard. 

Being Prepared for the Worst

My mother didn't have any advanced healthcare directives. When the doctors in the hospital asked her about life support and resuscitation, she couldn't decide. As a coach, I know that no decision is really a decision. You know how this ends. When Mom's condition worsened and she was no longer able to make her own decisions, it was left to my sister and me to do it. Do we put her on a respirator? Do we withhold further treatment? 

When things go wrong, we often have to make important decisions outside of our "natural" state. We process information differently, behave differently, strong emotions overtake us. As an entrepreneur or business leader, we are optimistic and plan for success. Do you also plan for failure?

Passion is an uncontrolled emotion. We don't want to have to be in a position to make passionate decisions. Good planning means accounting for all outcomes while we are in our natural state, operating in Quadrant II (one of Strategy), not Quadrant I (Crisis). There are many assumptions in our plans, but too often I don't see negative outcomes addressed in scenario analysis. 

Failure - and tragedy - is a part of life, and business, and careers. Have your advanced directives, account for all possible outcomes. Be excited about the possibilities of success and happiness, but know in advance how you'll handle the disappointing and tougher situations. 

BTW, when was the last time you did a SWOT analysis (Strengths Weaknesses Opportunities Threats)?

Celebrate More

My family is one for short, graveside funerals in the Jewish practice of a prompt burial. My sister and I quickly made arrangements, notified family and friends, and everyone assembled for the service. The funeral is followed by a somewhat traditional opportunity for a meal together at a restaurant near the cemetery. One shouldn't mourn alone, this is a time for community. We get to spend time with family and friends who we might not often see. After the meal, and every time we've been similarly gathered, many of us say the same thing: "We should be getting together for happy reasons."

We've all heard it said that "shit happens." Like in the case of a death of a mother, sometimes it's worse than that. None of us can escape the problems, the lows and the falls that come to us as time passes and we (and our businesses) grow. For many of us, the bad is balanced by the good. Are you attuned to the good, or oblivious to it or take it for granted?

It's easy for many of us to miss the good things. A consultant once taught me the Ten Coins exercise. At the beginning of each day, put ten coins in one pocket. Throughout the day, each time you recognize something good, share positive feedback and move one coin to the other pocket. By the end of the day, all of your coins should have moved. Sounds simple yet you'd be surprised how easy it forget. 

More than ten coins, plan big things. Sandwich every business challenge with two celebratory opportunities. Build awareness that the good outweighs the bad. Don't only bring your team together when tough problems need solving. Structure regular events to highlight accomplishments. Build a culture of acknowledgement and excitement. A happy team will achieve much more than a sad, worried or frustrated one.

And always follow with a good meal. 

It Starts and Ends With Gratitude

At my mother's funeral, the Rabbi asked if we would have rather not experienced this loss by never having known her. Had Mom not been in our lives, we wouldn't have the pain of her death. He's reminding us to be thankful that she was a part of our lives. 

I recently heard a strategy that reframes things that you have to do as something that you get to do, from Michael Hyatt, "How a Small Shift in Your Vocabulary Can Instantly Change Your Attitude." It's a form of gratitude, and reframing is a great coaching tool. Yes, you have to pay taxes, which can be reframed as you get to pay taxes (because you have taxable income). It's a good thing, something for which to be thankful. As the Rabbi suggested, I didn’t have to lose my mother, rather I got to have my mother as part of my life (and not everyone does).

Practicing gratitude is demonstrated scientifically to improve happiness, enabling us to move forward more quickly and more successfully achieve goals. When I started Trajectify, my business coach gave her clients a gratitude journal as a holiday gift. I was thankful to receive it, yet didn't think it was my style and re-gifted it to my wife. I should have known better. (I’ve since grown).

It reminds me of when CDNOW was purchased by Bertelsmann who subsequently decided to close it, eliminating our 350 jobs. I had to announce this to the company without suggesting it was a bad thing. I chose to tell the story of sourdough bread. Each loaf incorporates “starter” into its dough, a piece of dough from the prior loaf, containing the culture that gives the bread its characteristic sour flavor. Some bakeries in San Francisco have had starter passed from loaf to loaf for over 150 years, creating a mature taste profile that cannot be imitated. We were to be grateful for what we had at CDNOW as it enabled us to take the good parts and bring them forward into our subsequent ventures.

Each of us, as we move in our life through relationships, jobs, careers and businesses takes a piece of what we’ve had and where we’ve been and incorporates it into what comes next.

Start and end every day by reminding yourself of something for which you’re grateful. Both personally and professionally, you and your business will grow.

A Final Thought

As I was writing my mother’s eulogy, my wife asked if I had considered what would be said at my funeral. I’m pretty sure it was a suggestion that I had room to live a better life and time to do something about it (thankfully). Every day we are contributing to our own eulogy. What will they say about you?

Next Steps

Thank you for your condolences and kind words. Mom didn’t have a favorite charity, so we suggest the American Cancer Society.

The team at Trajectify and I try to share meaningful and personal insights like this. Please consider subscribing to our email list (blog). 

In life and in business, having a partner has its advantages and challenges. Many choose to not go alone and move forward together with someone. I am facilitating four pairs of business partners in a variety of relationships (couple, family, colleagues, investor) to share insights and lessons, scary stories (it’s Halloween season), and have fun. Join us Tuesday October 29th at the Pyramid Club.

Once a year we take a bunch of business owners and leaders offsite for a day to a retreat where we work together on each others businesses. You will learn a lot from others, and learn even more from helping others. Our coaching team is there to facilitate and participate. Join us Friday Nov 15th at the tranquil Normandy Farms in suburban Philadelphia spending the day working on your business (and sharing all meals, included, because every meaningful event must result in eating together).