Many of us hear the word conflict and immediately think bad.

Make it workplace conflict, and we’re already tallying up the hours wasted managing hurt feelings instead of making progress on our goals. We’re committing ourselves to eliminate anything that has even a hint of office politics. Discord in our workplace will be a thing of the past.

Here’s the problem with that tactic: conflict is inevitable. You cannot manage it away.

Why? Because everyone is different—different backgrounds, different scripts, different personalities, and different goals. Difference creates conflict. If we’ve learned anything from the last few months of civil unrest, it’s that embracing differences in our lives and in our organizations is critical.

Workplace conflict will happen. By treating it as an opportunity for growth, we’ll help ourselves, our organizations, and our employees.

What causes conflict?

Understanding how conflict arises can help leaders and their teams determine how best to address it.

Differing goals

Imagine two people within an organization. One must ensure that the organization’s online marketing efforts attract a certain number of qualified leads every month. The other person must verify that no piece of online content distributed by the organization creates legal exposure.

Regardless of their personalities or their work styles, these two employees may come into conflict.

Why? Because of the goals inherent in their positions.

The marketing lead wants to push social media posts out fast, with bold copy that catches the attention of scrollers. The legal counsel wants copy that can never be misinterpreted and plenty of time for careful review of posts.

Differing backgrounds or perspectives

We all show up at the workplace with our own experiences and way of looking at the world. Resolving conflicts that arise from our different personalities and experiences helps us grow.

Microaggressions are a prime example of a conflict that can result from these differing perspectives. When we understand our biases and our language impact others, we can develop a better, healthier organization. By acknowledging conflict, we take steps to create a stronger workplace.

See: Business Leadership and Anti-Racism

Differing work or leadership styles

We’ve all seen examples of this type of conflict. An employee likes to have plenty of autonomy over their projects and their processes. Their supervisor is a bit of a stickler and not great at delegating tasks. The employee feels micromanaged. The supervisor feels an uncomfortable loss of control.

These conflicts can occur between peers as well. One employee does her best work when she has a quiet space to think through ideas and develop clear plans. Another employee works best when she’s brainstorming and collaborating with others.

Joint projects lead to battles. One employee feels bombarded with too much energy. The other feels rejected by perceived aloofness.

See: Identify Your Leadership Style and Maximize Effectiveness

Not all conflict is equal

Some conflict creates an opportunity for growth. Other types of conflict can’t be coached or resolved away. We must fix or eliminate them.

Bad conflict causes systemic unhealthiness in an organization. We must end it immediately.

What do I mean by bad conflict? Well, the most common example is misalignment of values. We can’t learn from it or resolve it because we can’t change another person’s values. So conflict that arises out of a misalignment of values is something we must address and stop.

We made a mistake. We hired the wrong person. We chose the wrong partner. We weren’t clear about our values, and now we need to eliminate the conflict by walking away or letting someone go.

For a short time, I was the COO of a company whose partners valued litigiousness and rigidity. I valued relationship building and agility. We couldn’t resolve our way out of that conflict. They couldn’t convince me of the value in taking someone to court. I couldn’t convince them of the need to take quick, imperfect action. I had to walk away.

Another example of bad conflict is conflict about a lack of integrity, or differences in interpretations of integrity. You can’t make a person have integrity. You can’t resolve a conflict about lying or cheating or stealing. Those are conflicts that must be fixed by eliminating the source of the problem.

How to harness good conflict

The most important—and perhaps the most difficult—part of conflict is being willing to have difficult conversations.

Researchers and therapists have developed many models to explain why conflict occurs and how to manage it.

Brene Brown on workplace conflict

Brene Brown’s research on shame and vulnerability is a guide for many people and businesses. Brown describes how people create their own stories to explain the cause of a conflict. Telling themselves the story, often inaccurate, releases serotonin into the brain. So the story becomes an internal way of mitigating the discomfort of the conflict.

Unfortunately, an inaccurate story can also exacerbate the actual conflict.

Workplaces can use this story-telling tendency to learn from conflicts. Instead of focusing on winning an argument, listen closely to the other person’s story. By doing so, you can often better understand what they see as the root cause of the conflict and help resolve it.

Brown encourages people to have the difficult conversations that come with conflict. Don't avoid them and allow inaccurate stories and assumptions to fester. Discomfort is an inevitable and critical part of a workplace. “If we put comfort over doing good work,” says Brown, “we will not be able to accomplish what we want to.”

Managing conflict through transactional analysis

Transactional analysis is a communication model developed by psychotherapist Eric Berne in the 1950s. People have used it to understand and improve workplace conflict for decades.

The basic concept is that people engage in one of three ego states—parent, child, or adult—when they communicate with each other. When people interact in their adult ego states, they communicate as equals. Neither believes themselves to be less important or more important than the other. In this state, people can receive or provide information rationally and thoughtfully.

On the other hand, when people operate from their parent (“How could you be late again?!”) or child (“Why are you always blaming me for things?!”) ego states, they communicate emotionally and are more likely to experience conflict.

Understanding your ego state (and what triggers it), and being able to assess the states of others, can help you learn to communicate more effectively.

The Thomas-Kilmann model for conflict resolution

The Thomas-Kilmann model of conflict resolution views people as falling along a continuum. Assertiveness is on one side, and cooperativeness is on the other. Assertiveness is taking actions to satisfy your own needs. Cooperativeness is taking actions to meet others’ needs.

The model defines five distinct conflict resolution methods. Each has varying degrees of assertiveness and/or cooperativeness.

Avoidance: ignoring the conflict and hoping it will resolve on its own
Accommodation: satisfying others’ concerns at the expense of one’s own
Compromise: finding a resolution that satisfies some, not all, of the parties’ desires
Competition: satisfying one’s own desires at the expense of others’
Collaboration: finding a solution that satisfies all parties’ desires

Under the Thomas-Kilmann model, there isn’t one “right” conflict resolution strategy. Each could be effective or ineffective, depending on the particular situation. To determine the most effective method, think about the importance of each person's desires. You might also predict the impact of each style of conflict resolution on the people involved.

Final thoughts

Whatever method you use for addressing workplace conflict, you must be intentional. Create a workplace that welcomes respectful disagreements. Give employees the tools and encouragement to resolve conflicts themselves.

You can't stamp out conflict without also squashing some of the creativity that leads to great success. Embracing conflict in the workplace may be challenging. It will also be worthwhile.

We’ve helped dozens of companies navigate uncomfortable conflict-heavy situations. Contact us to find out how we can help you.